PERHAPS THE MOST ANNOYING PERSON EVER KNOWN!
So, I'm sitting here, writing longhand in my notebook at my favorite Panera in Hoboken, NJ, sipping my Yerba Mate tea (refer to previous blog), deeply focused, in my own dreamworld - in the zone. Suddenly, I feel a sinister presence hovering over me.
"You know" -
Oh God - Nooooo!!! Is it?! How could it possibly be?!
STEVE!
I thought we had FINALLY seen the last of him, when he was vanquished to Greece just short of a year ago...granted, it was the 4th time, but I thought...maybe...somehow...but NO - he is a force that CANNOT - WILL NOT be destroyed!
"You know - what you have to do is go to work in this Greek diner up in Liberty, NY - you can work as a dishwasher there 7 days a week, eat your meals there so you don't spend any money, you can even sleep there, they have a room in the back. I know the owner - he is a Greek - you work there for six, seven months straight. You can save maybe 6 - $7,000 - and you put that money down on a three story house in Liberty - then, you rent the bottom two floors out, you live on the top one, you do your writing there, and you continue to work at the diner. After, say, six, seven years, you have enough income to not have to work again - then you spend your whole day writing."
Jeez, just when you LEAST expect it, he ambles over, hands in pockets, and destroys your writing routine with this insane, rambling 'advice!' He, himself, is supposed to be a writer, of some sort, as he has been working on this MANIFESTO for about 47 years now. His own heinous routine consists of putting two tables together - They must be TWO tables - and they MUST be in exactly the same spot each time - and spreading his papers all over them, of which there are approximately 2,827 pages - all written in Greek. The thing is, he can only write for about 5 minutes at a time, at which point, he MUST get up and stroll through Panera, until he discovers his next victim, destroying their writing routine with some other advice - tailored to their situation, of course - until he eventually corners everybody at Panera, including the employees! More on the characters at Panera coming up.
FINALLY...the moment you've all been breathlessly awaiting...'The Yerba Mate Ritual!'
As I sit here, at the Panera in Hoboken, NJ, I am tearing up to Cat Stevens, 'Father&Son', playing mournfully in the background...but I MUST carry on somehow - even though - "I know I have to go away...I know I have to go". Get a hold of yourself, mahn! Ok, here goes, as promised...'The Yerba Mate Ritual'. I can't stop sobbing... alright!
When I enter this Panera, I have in my backpack an old (or used, in any case!) paper Panera cup. I stroll in, first completing the my aforementioned feast (refer to previous blog!), then immediately placing two vibrant teabags of Guyuaki Yerba Mate tea bags in the cup, then cleverly filling it to the brim with hot (boiling?) water, simultaneously dropping EXACTLY two slices of lemon into the scalding water, and securing the top! After it steeps for PRECISELY 10 minutes, I put TWO teaspoons of Y.S.Eco Bee Farms Organic Raw honey, and TWO sprinkles of ORGANIC cinnamon (it MUST be organic, otherwise, you may be ingesting cinnamon-flavor only!!), and sip, while thoughtfully devouring my Green&Black's 70% cacao organic chocolate bar - PRECISELY 1.9 oz.!) Now, I am satiated, satisfied, and able to sit for the next 3 hours and write long-hand. I MUST NOT be disturbed!!!
Panera in Hoboken, NJ
Ok - I would like to continue on this theme of writing in cafes, coffee shops and/or diners. First of all, I HAVE to write in one of these places - there is NO WAY I could ever even attempt to write in my place of residence - or any place of residence, that is. Even the attempt would drive me madly insane! So, as you can see, I have no choice. But the thing is, you have to find the right KIND of public place to write. Forget about Starbucks - too many white fatsos and Yuppies. No, the place MUST have the right ambience - just enough lunatics to make it interesting, a friendly, compliant staff, who will get me free food (as I would never actually buy anything) relative peace, and a tolerant management. THAT place is Panera in Hoboken. Besides actually never having bought anything in 10 years there - in fact, I bring my own food - Siggi's Icelandic vanilla yogurt, a handful of organic almonds, a 1.9 oz. bar of Green&Black Dark Organic Chocolate (it MUST be 70% cacao - any less is unacceptable!), from Basic Foods down the block - and finally, all the acouttrements for my Yerba Mate tea ritual - of which I carry in my backpack! I also write in a notebook longhand...more on all these startling developments in my next blog!
DELILAH
This is mainly for people who live in the Tri-State area, and listen to the radio maybe in their car on the way back from work, or are maybe forced to listen by a loved one, I don't know. All I know is this horrible woman host on Lite FM, Delilah - I think it's 106.5 - just COMPLETELY sickens me!!! I don't even want to listen to Lite FM - I'm forced to, because it plays in this diner I go to to write, or at least attempt to write, but can't whenever I hear her! I live in Jersey City, and there are really only basically two places I write - Panera in Hoboken (which I will expound on in my next blog!) and this diner called the VIP - in Jersey City. I do and always have done all my writing in these kinds of diners and coffee shops; it used to be in New York before everything became gentrified and yuppified and the awful Starbucks chain replaced all the great Greek diners. Anyway, this Delilah is the worst kind of pseudo cheerful, faux Christian adviser of pop psychology! I swear, she must have killed more people than Jeffrey Dahmer with her terrible canned advice by now! In fact, I cringe when these pathetic sorry asses come on the show and give her their incredulously narcissistic stories. I can't even be angry at them, it's so absurdly sad! Go to a real therapist people! What is wrong with you all?! Somebody please stop her before she kills again! This woman is a menace to society! Oh, the humanity!