THE LEGEND OF DUNCAN VALIANT

“No way!”

“Get outta here - even HE wouldn’t do that!!”

“Really?!”

It was true. Duncan Valiant had finally gone too far - and was summarily and exasperatedly dismissed from his catering job.

You see, Duncan Valiant was a legend in the catering industry…not for any monumental work ethic, like so many goody-goodies admired and gushed over. No, it was for his tremendous ability to drink enormous amounts of liquor - even to the point of falling to the floor in a drunken stupor - and yet, never getting fired! People were incredulous at his amazing feats of endurance, often pounding down full bottles of white wine in a single sustained gulp while standing behind a potted plant - during service! Then even tending to his table! It was truly an amazing act to witness.

He was also noted for bringing plastic bottles of Poland Spring water filled with nothing but vodka to the job - and finishing them before the night was even over. When he was later suspected of such treachery, he switched to Diet Coke and vodka. Then it evolved into Diet Coke and red wine - all concealed inside a reliable aluminum Diet Coke can. And this is to say nothing of the cleaning crew, many times finding 5 or more empty bottles of white wine in the men’s room stalls!

But alas, this latest endeavor proved to be his undoing - considered shocking even for a legend of his magnitude! He was discovered intoxicated making out with the event planner - in the LADIES room, of all places! When Hubert, the mercurial and punitive captain for the night’s event, made the discovery - there were gasps of horror! Other waiters were simply aghast at this outrageous act of defiance. When he was finally dismissed from his duties, there was a kind of emptiness, a somber buzz throughout the room.

But even legends die eventually.

Joe Montaperto

Writer, murderer, bon vivant par excellance - I pay the rent as a catering bartender, and sometimes shoot poison darts at white people from trees in Hoboken, while shouting UUUMMMBBAAAAGGGGAAAA!!