CAN I THROW UP NOW?

Ugh! Thank God the bulk of this thoroughly annoying commercial money grab known as ‘Christmas season’ is almost over! Don’t get me wrong - it’s not the actual Christmas Day that I spend with my family that sickens me - I love that - no, it’s everything else that leads up to it! Especially trying to get to a job from where I live, on the outskirts of the ghetto in Jersey City, to the equally mad city of New York. I travel by PATH train, which normally takes 15-20 minutes to get to there…but not in the most annoying time of the year - oh no!

These are my top 5 Christmas season grievances:

  • First, I have to get to the PATH train - which is about a 20 minute walk from my house; but I must initially try to force myself through what I like to refer to as - ‘The 99 cent Shopping Center’ - conveniently located near the Journal Square PATH stop - for all your shopping needs! There, throngs of obese knuckleheads fill the streets, stampeding to the 99 cent stores for those absurdly large, fake aluminum, fake painted gold hoop earrings, and $5 curly blond wigs - that are all the rage for Christmas presents!

  • So, finally I reach the PATH train, somehow manage to squirm unto a seat, and - it’s SHOWTIME! These annoying kids blast some ancient Michael Jackson jam like ‘Billie Jean’, from the 80s - and proceed to somersault and pole dance all over the train - usually kicking somebody in the face in the process. Seen it at least 237 times this year already - NEXT!

  • Happy face tourists who pack the New York subway trains. They are very happy and smiling, believing they are having ‘a REAL New York experience!’ Listen, happy faces - a packed train is NOT fun, ok?! I just want to get to work!

  • Here’s something under the ‘get an imagination’ banner - which I believe Macys is having a BIG Christmas sale on! The senseless blobs who feel compelled to take a cell shot of every tall building, Holiday window display, and Christmas lights in New York City, interminably clogging up the sidewalks for those of us who have to get to work. Second most irritating to the selfie takers - “Oh boy - look gang - I’m here in New York City!'“

  • My pet peeve - which actually verges on the disgusting. The simpletons who stand in endlessly long and hopeless lines in frigid, sub-freezing temperatures, just so they might possibly get a cell shot of themselves smiling in front of Carlos Bakery in Hoboken, NJ. Or of course, the one right in the Port Authority complex. I mean, what can I even say about this?! It’s beyond any type of human verbal expression.

  • Ok everybody - Happy Holidays! I’m looking for a nice quiet place to vomit!

Joe Montaperto

Writer, murderer, bon vivant par excellance - I pay the rent as a catering bartender, and sometimes shoot poison darts at white people from trees in Hoboken, while shouting UUUMMMBBAAAAGGGGAAAA!!