Merry Christmas, Everyone

So, like most kids (even perpetually sulking teenagers) Christmas was always our favorite time of the year. I mean, who doesn't love to get gift? You have time off from school, there's that whole feeling of holiday cheer - and you don't even mind seeing all your relatives trudging in to Roselle (NJ) from Brooklyn. At least you get to see some cousins you haven't seen in awhile, or you can make fun of them behind their backs, anyway. Come to think of it, that's what we mostly did. At least me and my cousin Skinny, anyway.
But really, Christmas was only a couple of days, and you didn't have to go back to school till like January 7th, or something. So you basically had all this time to do nothing - or get revenge.
After Christmas, people would throw away their dead Christmas trees by putting them out in front of the house and waiting till the DPW picked them up. There was this one guy on the corner of Gordon Street that me and Skinny didn't particularly like - I don't remember exactly why we didn't like him, but, I mean, he must have done something to us to us.
So, one frigid January night, we see his dead tree lying in the little grass part in front of his house - and  we get this simultaneous idea. We pick up the tree, wedging it between his wooden front door and the screen door in front of it... then ring the doorbell, run like hell and hide in the bushes across the street. Of course when the guy opens his front door - the Christmas tree falls right into his face, and it's so big it fills the whole doorway, So the guy literally can't move or escape - he's cursing and yelling cuz he can't move and he's got all these dry pine needles in his face.
Meanwhile, we're across the street- and we are dying, man! Skinny's laughing like a crow (like he usually does) and I'm cackling so fuckin' hard, I'm on the frozen ground and can't even get up - that's how hard I'm laughing at this guy. Somehow, the guy extricates himself from the Christmas tree and he is fuckin' furious! He come's running across the street after us like a raging bull, threatening to kill us and everything. Skinny sees this and jumps over a nearby fence, he's imploring me to hurry up and get over the fence before this guy kills me. I get up the fence but I'm still laughing so hard,  I can't get over it... the guy is just about to grab me, when in a last ditch effort, my cousin pulls me over the fence, ripping my coat sleeve, and smashing down on the cement hard winter ground. Right on my arm. Blood is oozing out of my jacket sleeve. I go from laughing to crying in a second. The guy is cursing and threatening he'll kill us if he ever sees us again, but we keep running. Hey, at least we escaped! Happy Holidays everyone!

Joe Montaperto

Writer, murderer, bon vivant par excellance - I pay the rent as a catering bartender, and sometimes shoot poison darts at white people from trees in Hoboken, while shouting UUUMMMBBAAAAGGGGAAAA!!